Proper blogging

Ladies and Gentlemen! The first of many to come, the best of any yet, and the worst thing I could be doing with my lunch break!

The Top 5 People I Would Like To Punch

5.) Jake Gyllenhaal

I would like to punch Jake in the face for two reasons.
First, and foremost, I don't like "it" people who get publicity for nothing more important than leaving their house. In fact, I think the reason I resent Jake and want to punch him is that I feel like I have been told I must like him. Every time he's mentioned, it's as if the media is acquiescing to my demand for more Gyllenhaal. Like I called them up over at Access Hollywood and said "Hey, Pat O'Brien! I want more stories on that fey, Dutch-American actor with the doe-eyes and unrelentingly Avant-Garde resume."

Secondly, I wonder if a quick blow to the head would finally wipe that dopey look of his face. The one where he constantly looks as if he just opened up a Christmas present and it was exactly what he wanted, but was too afraid to actually hope for.

4.) John Mayer

For writing sensitive, hook-laden love songs; for raising the pitch, but never volume, of his voice; for the success of his acoustic-driven College Rock style; and lastly, for making it OK for attractive women to date dopey looking musicians ONLY when they have given up every last shred of musical credibility. For that, I sentence John to be punch in the shoulder at just the right spot so that every time he tries to play guitar with that ridiculous hunched over stance, he gets a Charlie-horse and drops it.

3.) Maroon 5

Maroon 5, especially the lead singer, but I'm willing to include all of them. For believing that they matter, for believing that Maroon 5 can make a difference, for wearing peace symbols on their jackets at award shows and press shoots, for singing songs that on the surface sound tender but really are just a really good cover for narcissistic lust, for making me want to wear a hoodie underneath my sportcoat. For all of this, I will punch each and every one of you in the trachea, so I never have to hear you again.

To be continued...


Chris Dugan said...

That was really, really funny Aeron. I anxiously await #2 and #1.

Jacob Bird said...

The first time I heard a Maroon 5 song, I thought it was a black woman singing.

Jeremy said...

It sounds to me like you know a vast amount of information about these singers that you say "derserve a punch". I honestly believe that the only reasons you hate these artists is because A) they once were the most-played album in your collection but you over did it and got sick of them, and now you feel the urge to tell others that you hate them, or B) you secretly want to be them, desiring fame and fortune, and are angry becasue it is very unlikely you will have either fame or fortune... write your own album before you make fun of other peoples.

Cox said...

Wow, Jeremy Dahlen is right. I secretly love these guys. Especially Jake Ggyylleennhhaall(I spelled it that way on purpose). By the way, Jeremy, do you have the new Jake Ggyy(you get the picture) album, b/c I lost mine.

Chris Dugan said...

I think Jeremy is just upset because he is a big Maroon 5 fan, and that's okay.

As far as the other dudes (Jake & John) are concerned, my beef with them is the same as Aaron's: They came out of nowhere with a very sketchy and thin body of work yet we are expected to love and respect everything they do.

Jeremy said...

OK, I actually didn't understand the comment you made and I'm glad, it was probably something I wouldn't want to hear anyways.

I do like Maroon Five - except I do agree that due to the fact they are overplayed, the songs annoyingly get stuck into your head.

Oh, one more thing. I would suggest toning down your sarcasm a bit. Sarcasm is funny, but reaches it's full potential when used in creative ways, not just in bashing people. Plus, you might get more fans.

Cox said...

Jeremy, my point was that only two of the four artists currently on my "punch list" are musicians. Jake Ggyylleennhhaall is an actor, and the other guy is a pundit. I was just trying to infer that point.

Oh yeah, I'd say I did a good job of getting fans, considering you posted twice on the blog of someone you don't even know.

Chris Dugan said...

My cousin and my roomate are fighting. This is hilarious to me.

Note to Jeremy:

Lighten up man. Aaron dosen't really want to punch anybody, he's just making fun of celebrities who annoy him. I've heard you make fun of things sarcastically before and that's all good because we are all entitled to our opinions.

Note to Aeron:

Lighten up man. Jer is just trying to get a rise out of you. He doesn't get your "style" because he dosen't know you, and he probably wouldn't get mine either if we weren't related.

Can't we all just get along?

Jeremy said...

I find it amusing that three people that do completely different things can find the time to blog back and forth so many times in such a short time span.

Yo Cox, you obviously don't remember me, but I think I did know you once... (weren't you in that crappy coop sometime??) Maybe I'm mistaken. I apologize for inferring the wrong meaning from your comment. My bad. I like giving people crap (and you do too) and I have to admit I have enjoyed our little dialogues(sp?).

Chris, you're right, we should all get along. And I did like your explanation to both of us, you are much more intuitive than I give you credit for... anyway, let's just release our anger towards the sky and get together and have a slumber party.

Chris Dugan said...

Yeaaaa! Slumber party! We can all get in our fuzzy feety pajamas and jump up and down on the bed!

There will also be Fiddle-Faddle served.

Jeremy said...